From The Swingset

The gilding doesn’t fool me at all. I know that a lot of others have been dazzled by it, but I recognize its over-the-counter quality. Pretty packaging, aggressive advertising and sensible content don’t always stand up to the test. The test of endurance and quality. I know You’ve handcrafted Your Best and Your Perfect just for me. And while I may not know who or what it is, I don’t think it’s this.

Because I don’t feel the peace. I don’t see the favor. I don’t see the orchestration that is effortlessly brought about by Your hands. I don’t want it anymore if it’s not from You.

Help me let it go?

Given something new to believe in Him for. Saw it so clearly. For awhile staying focused was so easy, I had a steely determination and I could taste His goodness yet again.

And then a sudden something–somewhat of a pitstop. Well, not really. I am steering away from the word “distraction” because I don’t think that he is. He might be, he could be, if I lose my grip on the road I’m on. And so I must make sure I don’t lose traction.

I feel a restlessness that tells me there’s something God wants to say to me.

I want to hear it. Want to know what it is.

Perhaps tonight I’ll find out.

I don’t remember the last time I posted an entry–didn’t really check my archives to see. So much as changed and so many new things have sprung up. Let’s see if I can give a rough bullet list.

• I have moved WAY past and beyond the trauma caused by a certain frog prince who behaved more “frog” than “prince.”
• I am now a pre-school teacher where I handle the English Language and Literacy department. I can’t believe I get to call this a job. I am most certainly fortunate!
• I have chopped my long long hair off. Quite an extreme change that people are either loving madly or having a hard time grasping. (Apparently, some people are under the impression that ALL women must be spurred by some sort of horrendous heartbreak to be pushed to hairstyle limits. Egad.)

Six or seven months ago there was just absolutely no way of guessing or hypothesizing where I am now. I’m so extremely glad and relieved that God’s ways are higher than my ways. Somehow I see now the necessity of all that I had to go through. Certainly I had a lot of attitudes and character flaws that needed polishing and refining in order to be prepared for where I am now. It’s no joke to be handling over 40 precious children and also be emotionally-capable of protecting and nurturing their hearts.

Now that I have my laptop back, I am able to update again. I’ll go into detail here and there. In the meantime, this will have to do.

Have you ever found yourself frustrated over things that you are believing God for but still have not received? Have you been praying for certain provisions or changes in your life yet feel discouraged because it is not within sight? At times we ask ourselves how it is that God feels distant, and we wonder if He is even listening to our prayers at all.

Of course God hears us. There are times when He hides His face from us so that we seek Him and pursue Him even more–so that we don’t become complacent in our faith and our walk with Him. But there are times as well when we must ask ourselves if underneath all the things we do (the quiet prayer times we have in the morning and before bed; giving to the poor; tithing; church service, etc) is a real heart that surrenders and submits to God’s will. Anything we do out of the natural (the physical body) cannot make up for what we lack in the spiritual. Going through the motion of religion or tradition doesn’t change the heart–but rather a life that is lived under God’s total lordship is what changes the heart and changes our lives.

When the Lord brought the Israelites over across the Jordan River, the Israelites felt for sure that they were bathed in God’s favor. True enough, God crushed the walls of Jericho and people everywhere feared them for they knew that these were a chosen people. However, God’s blessings and favor came with one requirement: that they do not take anything that has been set apart for destruction–anything that will defile them, or else they will themselves be destroyed. They easily and eagerly agreed to this and yet all it took was a shiny gold bar and 200 silver coins that one greedy guy could not leave behind, and the entire Israelite people had to suffer for it. Translated into modern day thinking, it could be anything from a fat bribe, to a vice or habit that is destructive to our being. It’s not so much the object as much as it is the principle of the thing.

When we surrender our lives to God and choose to walk the path of His righteousness, we are to surrender every area of our lives. That’s what “Lordship” is about. You do not call someone master and yet disobey or dishonor him. When you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, you are saying, “Jesus, I offer my life up to you, every minute detail and every area of it because I know that Your will is best and Your ways are higher than mine, and I know that whatever You command is for my own good.” We cannot call ourselves lovers and followers of Christ if there is at least one area or attitude that we are holding back out on. It could be a vice, an addiction (it doesn’t have to be a drug addiction–it could be an addiction to TV, to work, to laziness, to gossip, etc) or an attitude (holding of grudges, tendency to slander or exaggerate, lying, jealousy, etc) that we are not willing to let go of and trust the Lord to change.

Yet His word remains simple and clear: “I will not remain with you any longer unless you destroy the things among you that were set apart for destruction.” (Joshua 7:12) God wants to make us new. He wants to destroy our old lives, old reputations, old habits, old ways. If we want God to continue being our protector, provider, vindicator, lover, friend and Father, we must seek to walk blameless and godly lives. God simply cannot have anything to do with unholiness. So if you want what’s better, more satisfying, the best of God’s will for you, then have nothing to do with your old ways. Leave it all behind and don’t look back. There is nothing that God has told us to shed off and leave behind that’s worth going back to. 

It’s a quarter to midnight on a Sunday. I have had a long day and as exhausted as my body is, my heart is all a-flutter. God truly met me this weekend. I was too busy the whole week trying to force an answer out of Him, that I didn’t hear Him answer me in a different way.

There are several things on my list that I have placed in my mind as “urgent.” I have been tuning the cyber world out, staying in my apartment all day, reading and reading and praying. I was seeking God so hard but felt like I couldn’t find Him or hear Him. Despite that, I knew that He had His eyes on me all along and that He still hears every word I utter.

On friday night I was telling my friend Liz, “I am waiting for some direction to at least point me to the thing that’s standing in the way. Whatever it is I need to cut off from my life, I want and need to know from God what it is! And I need to know, stat!” She felt the urgency in my voice and saw the desperation in my eyes. She empathized but said, “Hil, maybe the reason you haven’t gotten the clarity on those other things is because you’re trying to go 5 steps ahead of God. Could it be that there’s this one step that you need to take first now? And perhaps when that’s fixed, all the other details will fall into place.” It made absolute sense to me but I had no idea whether I had the panache or gusto to actually go for that one step. But obey God I did.

On Saturda, the next day, I went and sought out someone with whom I had a certain gap. We aired out our sentiments and apologized to each other and then enjoyed a lighthearted chat after. Before we met up, I kept praying for just an outpouring of grace and humility and double measure of love. I want God’s character and His will to prevail throughout the whole conversation. And God is faithful. When you ask, He gives it. Thankfully by His grace, this person and I were restored. We also encouraged each other to be more honest and open with one another from now on. I pray that we both do whatever it takes to stay true to the agreement and to pursue harmony.

And then today, over a late lunch, God blessed me with another restoration! It was with someone whose heart I had broken over a year ago. He has never been the type to open up and speak about his feelings. He clams up and just let’s the grudge fester. But this afternoon was different. He sat there with kind eyes and wore his heart on his sleeve. We both apologized to each other for the hurt we both caused the other and we sat in awe and amazement at God’s powerful grace. The falling out we had was one that we could never have repaired on our own. Truly this was all God. This is the  7th broken relationship that God has restored all in the same year!!! I’m talking about 7 restorations in under 6 months! Who else but the Almighty can do that? No one else has the power or ability to change hearts, to turn bitterness and anger into love and mercy.

Truly, one cannot give what he doesn’t have. If we don’t have God’s love in us, then we can’t give love to others either. Without God’s love in us, we cannot extend grace, mercy, compassion or forgiveness to others. Without love, we cannot experience joy and peace. Only Christ’s love can fill the God-shaped void in our souls. The harder we try to fill it with other things or people, we end up with an even bigger and deeper abyss.

I am so humbled by this. By all this. Truly Lord you are powerful and sovereign. Thank you for all that you have done and what you are still doing in my life!

I don’t know how on earth I could ever doubt God’s heart after what happened today. I experienced another relational restoration today. It’s been 3 years since the strain on the relationship took its victims and I have been praying for an “out” from the situation for a long time. It’s the last one in a string of burned bridges that was repaired by God.

It’s interesting how, as we both sat over our ricebowls and talked, that most of the fuel to our discomfort towards each other were all based on insecurities and fear. We had our own traumas in the past that haunted us and made us insecure of each other. We weren’t sure if the other person was faking it or if there was  genuine liking towards each other. It’s never easy to be around people who treat you like you don’t exist and for the longest time I had to suffer that. But last night, as I prayed to God for answers to some other questions I had–He made one thing clear to me: one at a time.

I may be expecting breakthroughs in other areas in my life, but right now, this broken relationship was first on my list. He made it clear last night that I simply had to humble myself and make the first move towards restoration. I prayed for grace and more humility to just prevail over our talk. And God proved Himself faithful yet again.

There are people in our lives who will just rub us the wrong way. I’m pretty certain that in other people’s lives, WE are the ones who rub them the wrong way. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, victim or predator, the bottomline to this situation is to do what God expects of us. It doesn’ matter how many times I’ve been burned or betrayed. It doesn’t matter what my traumas are. The only thing that matters is whether I am going to obey God by doing all that it takes to pursue harmony with those around me, or not. It’s that simple. If people were honest, humble and communicated better (as in listen better and speak the truth in love), then we will be surprised to see that most enemies would have been friends.

I am now filled with even more hope and excitement for greater things to come my way because what I’ve experienced today was a promotion to a new level of spiritual maturity. And I want to keep growing. I don’t want to stagnate and plateau. I want to be sharper, stronger, fly higher and love more deeply. I gained victory in Christ today because His love and grace prevailed over the enemy’s lies and attacks. The true enemy is not the person we are in conflict with. The true enemy is the fallen one who, over the years, has NOT stopped deceiving us and putting wedges in friendships, families and marriages. We have to fight the dark forces of the devil’s lies and attacks. We need to realize the true enemy if we are to win the battle. Let’s not let him take away the joy of strong relationships. God’s word rings true, it truly is pleasant when we live together in peace and unity.

Who do you need to restore things with? Make the decision to take a step forward to restoration today. Take the first step and tust God to carry you through the rest of the 99 steps.

It’s a wet and rainy Tuesday. Tonight as I walked in the rain heading to my car, I admired the New York-feel of my small city. I have never been to New York City but always felt in my heart that I would fit in without a problem. I guess I have always loved the fast-paced lifestyle. My main concern would be the impersonal personality of the city seeing as I’m the “reach out and touch someone” kind of person. Anyways, enough about NYC.

This is the second day of a very crucial week for me. I have 3 payments due at the end of the week and another one due in two weeks and suffice it to say my money is imaginary. I have been battling with logic that tells me how deep I’ve found myself in water that it would take a miracle to get me out. And yet a small, faint voice inside me tells me that I’ve nothing to worry about.  This is what it’s like to walk on water. You need to actually get out of the boat first and get your feet wet.

I have never doubted God’s ability or willingness to provide for me. The enemy has had years of practice and building of strongholds over me–the stronghold of wrong thinking. For years I have taught myself to believe that because I have screwed up so many times in my life, I was simply not worth saving. I bought into the lie that because I have made a hundred poor choices in the past, I was now deserving of this lifestyle of financial hardship and career plateau. I have been reading this book called Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer and in it I learned that the enemy throws fiery darts of lies upon lies until we finally believe them. Lies like “God is displeased with us and wants nothing to do with us,” that “we are beyond saving, we are not worth loving,” “we deserve all the hardships that come our way,” etc. We may not notice the things we say to ourselves that have reinforced a negative thought pattern in us, thus affecting our lives and disposition. Meyer says one of the devil’s strongest qualities is patience–he has been waiting years for the perfect opportunity to break us and crush us. That is exactly what he’s trying to do to me now.

But I am a daughter of promise.  I know that in God there is life, and love and hope and promise. I know that all of God’s promises have come true, not a single one of them has ever been broken. For some strange reason, I am surrounded by friends who, as of late, have been blessed by God materially in ways they never expected. While it is easy to sourgrape and say “Gee Lord, I’m not even asking for THAT much. Just enough to make ends meet,” I know that I don’t need to entertain such trivial thoughts. God doesn’t want to just make ends meet for me. He wants to give me a life that is propsperous. A life that is blessed to the brim so that I have the capacity to bless others as well.

Abraham knew what it was like to have nothing to hold on to except for hope alone. We humans have a tendency to look for guarantees before we can believe. Faith is an easy topic to discuss with others but when we see our own resources deplete and on the brink of vanishing before our very eyes, we start to justify our fears. We need to decide to believe God’s goodness. We need to expect to receive from God, and not just anything–but expect to receive God’s best in everything. We are His children, we have His favor. When God opens a door for f us, no one can ever shut it.

Here I am, in the midst of a dire situation where resources are urgently needed. I have a choice between worrying about it–making myself sick over concern and taking on a depressed and defeated soul. Or I can claim the promise of an abundant and prosperous life that Christ wants to give me. It doesn’t take much to be entitled to it. Deuteronomy 10:12 says that all God requires of us is to live in a way that pleases Him, that we love and serve Him with all our being. He is looking for someone to be gracious to but it must be someone who is expectant. Someone who is looking and longing for God to be good to him or her.

As impossible as it may seem to my very short-sighted human eyes, I know that if God could cause the mighty Red Sea to part on that one day, He can meet my small needs in an even shorter amount of time. I refuse to give up on my hope that God will come through. Of course He’ll come through, what kind of a Father would He be if He didn’t? But the first step will have to come from me. I have to get out of the boat,break the surface tension and start walking on water. I made a decision yesterday that I would do exactly that. And so here I am, soaked from the rain but loving the thrill of watching God do His thing again in my life. I am excited that I have been given front-row seats to witnessing God’s mighty power and provision.

I have an expectant heart and I am believing for answers to my prayers soon. I know that God is never delayed. His timig is impeccable. I will wait on Him and focus on Him for He is greater than all my needs throughout my life combined. He is too wonderful for me to not focus on. His beauty is what I’d rather behold than my statements of account and other bills and whatnot. I will walk in His peace with my head held high knowing that I am a daughter of Promise and that my Father is the Creator of the universe and everything in it. Nothing is beyond His might to provide.

I had a surprise lunch today with an old friend with whom I had a falling out about a couple of months ago. We were very close and spent almost every day together and while we found much joy in growing in our friendship, the constant company proved to stagnate instead of cultivate. There were many things that God needed to tweak in each one of us in an individual level and being together all the time was not allowing any room for God’s hand–nor His voice. When God wants our attention, He makes sure He gets it. There is no skirting around the issue or breaking it gently. Sometimes when God wants our attention, the way He gets it can seem devastating. But it’s through these desperate moments that God draws us nearer to Him.

I won’t go into detail about the cause or nature of our falling out but suffice it to say I seriously though it would and could never be the same closeness again. We had offended each other in ways that neither was humble enough to overlook in the beginning. We went through our own valleys and dealt with our demons. Our mature Christian friends stayed neutral and never picked sides–instead they covered us in prayer and reinforced and encouraged the truth into our lives. This surprise lunch served as a celebration for many things–one of them is the restoration that God had brought in our friendship. We talked about the issue and we affirmed our forgiveness of one another and the sisterly love that we always had for each other. And then we got to talking about our own personal breakthroughs and the revelations we had received from God. It was amazing to bear witness to the mission God has set before her and is empowering her to take on. She cried tears of joy while recounting the many blessings she’s received all because she obeyed. And she in turn was encouraged by the progress I’ve been making in my spiritual walk.

Looking back, the fight we had now seems so trivial. Yet one cannot view it in flippant retrospect. There was much hurt and learning in each one’s journey. The experience served its purpose and allowed us to understand our own purpose and calling better. The things that happen to us all have God’s permission. Nothing that occurs in our lives hasn’t been filtered by His love. Looking at my life and my passions now, I understand better why I had to endure what I did. God was weeding out the garden of my heart and helping the seed in me to grow big and strong and fruitful. That experience transformed us both separately. And in life, the road to transformation always goes through the tunnel of trials. It’s what breaks us down to bare necessities and we realize that apart from God, we are quite useless and hopeless.

A friend once told me, “those who appear in your life, whether to help or to harm, are all given by God. Meet all of them with a peaceful heart but with a warrior’s spirit. You will fail many times, but in failing you will learn. And in learning you will find your way. Remember, there are no mistakes in life, only lessons. And lessons will keep repeating themselves until learned.” How true do those words ring now.

God is a God of restoration. It’s not in His nature to destroy relationships because He himself is the epitome of relationship (think of the Trinity–He is in relationship with the Holy Spirit and the Son as they are each in relationship with the Father). So whatever kind of relationship you have that is severed and broken, whether a marriage, a friendship or a family tie–trust the God of restoration to break the ruins down completely and build something stronger and new.